Sex, snoring and endless loo paper: the gadget show catering for your every need

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Name: Kama Sutra bed.

Age: Well the Kama Sutra itself, the Sanskrit text on sexuality, is about 2,400 years old. This bed is more recent. In fact, it is yet to come on to the market.

Appearance: It changes, depending on what you want it to do.

I’m tired. Can it just be flat like a normal bed so I can go to sleep? Well, this is where the bed can help. At the flick of a switch, it will change shape to help you contort your body without too much effort and try out some adventurous new positions.

You mean there are more than two? There are 64 in the Kama Sutra. Some people claim many more. Shall we kick off with Janukurpara?

Not unless it’s something to eat. Reverse Cowgirl? Yee-haw …

Stop it. If I were interested – which I’m not – where would I find one of these beds? CES 2020 in Las Vegas.

The massive marketing event, formerly known as the Consumer Electronics Show, where tech companies show off their latest innovations? That one. And, for the first time in its 52 years, the conference is allowing companies that make sex toys to exhibit them on the show floor. Maybe you would be interested in an interconnected smart vibrator?

Hmmm, maybe. Or a hands-free air-blowing oral-sex simulator?

What, so I can drive at the same time? Erm, actually, I’m not sure if that’s allowed. It may vary from country to country, so you will need to check.

Is there anything that isn’t to do with sex? Yes, most of the exhibits have nothing to do with sex. For example, there is a Bluetooth-controlled toilet paper robot, the Charmin RollBot, which works via an app on your phone, which will deliver loo paper to you.

What happens if you haven’t got your phone on you? Don’t be ridiculous, it’s 2020, no one goes without their phone.

It’s almost as if it is more about what techies can do than what people want or need. Maybe you want or need Ballie, a tennis ball-sized robot, packed full of tech, that will roll after you as you potter around the house?

Can I have sex with it? No! But there are other more human robots and avatars that can provide companionship, if not everything …

Zzzzzzzz. Hey, CES can help with that. A Korean company has produced the Motion Pillow, which is loaded with sensors that automatically change the position of your head to stop you snoring.

Do say: “Wake up! Fancy a quick number 36? Do it on your phone.”

Don’t say: “I’ve got no charge left, and a headache.”

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